‘Determination helps marriage work’

‘As far as Mrs Tata Toe- Ekechi, an industrial mathematician turned banker is concerned, every couple going into the marriage institution should be determined to make it work. “I was determined to make success of the marriage and God is really crowning my effort with success. I believe determination on the sides of both individuals involved always work,” 
Marriage is not one of the easiest institutions to deal with. How have you been able to deal with the challenges of yours?
As a mother of three and a wife of a man who is ever on the move, it has been God that has been helping me to succeed this far. There were series of challenges especially at those early years, but God and my determination to remain married no matter the situation and the condition has kept me on.
I put God first in everything and I guess that’s why it has been possible for me to overcome my troubles even to appeal to my in-laws. I was determined to make success of the marriage and God is really crowning my effort with success. I think with God at the background of my marriage and my determination to make it work, my home has been able to stay till today. I believe determination on the sides of both individuals involved always work.
Do you think in-laws are responsible for broken homes?
In some cases, yes. Most wives are faced with all kinds of issues with their in-laws, in some cases, it is the mother inlaw, in others, it is either the man’s brother, sister or both. And where the wife is not accepted, it is only a matter of time for the home to break. The reason is that the man is used to his family and will always feel troubled to separate from them.
There are also cases where the problem comes from the wife’s side. In most cases, where the woman is financially more comfortable than the man and this is known to her family, they may push her against her husband. There many homes that have become broken because of this. That is where determination plays very important role in any marriage.
If the couples are determined to stay in the marriage, no turbulence can separate them. And determination cannot stand alone; it must go with God and godliness. If you will pray well and take godly steps, the storm, no matter how strong will be put abbey.
Is it possible for a wife to satisfy her inlaws?
Terrible and difficult as most in-laws are, I tell you with God; it is possible to please them. I won’t tell you that I am married to a family where there are no challenges; we have our own little quarrels but we keep finding a way of settling them. I look at my in-laws as my own and try as much as I can to overlook bitter incidents. Like I said, I was determined to stay in my marriage, so, I believe I don’t have anywhere to go, and so, I stay.. My mother was always drumming it into our hears that we had no room left for us in our father’s house once we get married and it sunk into my consciousness. So, I tried to do all to remain in marriage as much as I can and God has been my helper. I apologise for any wrong on my part.
There are times when my husband would say look, you are my wife, you are not supposed to do this to my people, I would go there to apologise. I was not even aware that my husband holds these things to his heart and like I told you, I could not hold back tears when he was talking about them in the public on the day he held a birthday bash specially for me.. I have to tell you that marriage has not been that easy but I just thank God for His teachings and His words for they have taken me this far.
With a simple heart, a heart that is ready to obey God and her husband, a wife will win her in-laws to her side. Just don’t see yourself as being above them, or better than them. Respect them also if not for anything but for the love you have for your husband and your desire to stay in the marriage to take care of your children.
You said your husband is always on the move. How then have you been coping with his kind of person?
I think my ability to come to terms with his way of life and why it has to be so has generally been helpful. He grew up in Ajegunle and he had always dreaded going back to slum. Since I know him, he is always working and hardly rest. If you ask him why? He would simply say “ I don’t want to go back to where I was before. There is no money and I have a lot of dependants. I have to work hard to take these people to where they would be able to stand on their own. I don’t want to see poverty anymore.”
So, he had kept on working and I know he has achieved a lot in this direction. Being a banker means that you are frequently away from the house. How do you balance the two? The job of a banker and that of a mother are two different things. You cannot compare the two of them. When I am at the office, I do my job and once I am at home, I face my family.
No woman is exonerated for blaming her broken home on the kind of job she has. No one expects your home front to suffer just because of your kind of work. You have to be on your toes all the time and I thank God that He has given me the grace to balance the two: keeping the home going and not lacking in my job. I make sure my kids, and even my husband, are okay.
What is your advice to young female professionals out there who see marriage as a way of servitude?
I think with my experience, I would advise them not to see marriage as a way of caging a woman. Even some men feel so. I think once God gives you the favour and chance to get married, no matter how educated you are or big you are, you should be happy and get set to enjoy yourself. There is nothing like being married. I have seen women who are more successful than their male counterparts or their husbands, but there is nothing like being with a man. There are many of things that go with it. When you go out or in your office, functions or anywhere, when you say you are Mrs so and so, people respect you.
They can say it is because you are someone’s wife that I am leaving you. But if you are not married, the respect is not there; even younger people would talk to you anyhow because they know you are single. So my advice is that once these guys start coming, they should give them the chance and when they come, we should deal with them with a simple heart. When a woman sees herself above a man just because of her position in the office, she won’t be able to keep her marriage. Pride, we all know goes before a downfall.
On a lighter mood, do you pick your husband’s call or read his text messages?
(Laughter) You want me to leave my children now? No. I have done it before and it didn’t feel good at the end of the day. So, I advise myself to desist from doing that to prevent myself from a heart attack Even when he ask me to pick it, I would say no. I don’t also read his text messages. He is a man. Even if he is a cripple, women will still go after him not to talk of a man like him. My mother says what you don’t see or hear can not disturb you.
What do you think is the best approach to a blissful marriage?
You see, every family has their own peculiarities. Coming together to dialogue and discuss what the trouble is what couples don’t do. I mean bridging the gap of communication is very important. Besides, two captains, they say, cannot run a ship so, I don’t like it when wives want to be at par with their husbands. Respecting your man, no matter how big your status is will keep him on your side always. Since I I have been married, my husband has always been winning. And that is what my pastor said: allow him to win, leave the rest to God. If you say you want to boss a man, the next day, you would be outside that home.

Even if you adopt any charm, be assured that it will run of its potency one day. The aftermath then will not be palatable. If you want your home to stay till death do you part, you have to give in to the man. A good wife is she who is calm when things are hot but after the coast seems clear, she takes her time to explain things gently to her husband. You don’t shout when your husband is shouting or try to rub shoulders with him like we have said. Even if you earn more than he does, you cannot become the man of the house. In our culture, a man is a man, no matter what. This is what I do. I don’t preach what I don’t practice.